he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
