Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
