and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
