Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
