Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
