i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
