There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
