So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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