dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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