Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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