Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
