Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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