If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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