New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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