atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
