Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
