Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
