I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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