allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
