Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
