We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
