I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
