look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
