i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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