This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
