you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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