my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
