Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
