If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
