Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
