I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
