just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
farters have to be the big spoon...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
