i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
