you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
