vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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