if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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