Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
