You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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