I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
