just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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