you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
