fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
