guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
