fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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