Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
