Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
