May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
