Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
