In America we eat man semen.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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