Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
