I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish i was in the wii world.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
